Are Bullies Bitches?

We recently did a show about the word bitch which was eye opening in many ways.  We explored the sexual bias and implications and also why it is destructive for a productive society.  In doing research for this show I revisit many of the same feelings I had during that shows production.  I am baffled and at times enraged at the personal pain one feels when faced with encountering a bitch or a bully.  When revisiting the scenarios of bitch victims I think about that unfortunate girl who is isolated and attacked (mostly verbally) by a group of peer bitches.  Smiting her clothes, endagering her self esteem and focussing on making her life a living hell.  Cut to a bully, which isolates it's prey, assaulting them with words but more likely physical force and demading defeat.  It may just be the way my mind works but when I think of a bitch I still think of a female predator and when I think of a bully I instantly imagine a male.  Which leads me to ponder, are bitches and bullies the same thing, just gender specific terms?!  What do you think?!?!

A Short Story About Bullying.

The Day Ruth Bigsby Died.

            I never came right out and hurt Ruth Bigsby, but I was just as responsible for her death as the rest of our senior class. The local news reporters on Fox, ABC, and CNN called it suicide, because of how Ruth executed a perfect swan dive off of the New Paltz public library roof, but it felt more like murder. And if the whole class was standing there cheering her on, Jessica Gleason was the one who stepped forward and gave her a shove. Sitting at graduation, listening to the principle talk about how we were all finally adults, heading out into the real world with a real purpose, I looked around at the faces I’d been seeing since kindergarten and shuddered at the thought that they were all, like myself, capable of murder.

            Ruth did the deed on the hottest February Tuesday upstate New York had seen in over twenty-three years. A high of sixty-eight and not a cloud in the sky. The sun was shining brighter than a lamp with no shade and if you didn’t check the calendar to see the date, you probably would have figured it for March or April. People were coming out on their porches for work and school in their sweaters and jackets, pausing to look around and sniff the almost spring-like air and then turning around and heading back inside to change. Everyone at school was wearing short sleeves and real summery looking clothes, even though the inside of New Paltz High was still pretty chilly.

            My dad always says that if you’re not a part of the solution, you’re a part of the problem. That’s what Ruth Bigsby always was to the rest of us-one big problem. She’d been getting picked on for as long as anyone could remember. Right from kindergarten most kids were making fun of her second-hand clothes that seemed to always need washing. Her stringy, brown hair was never pulled up in a cute scrunchy or clip, but instead always hung like a dank curtain to hide her face. Ruth wasn’t exactly what anyone could call pretty, but she might have looked better if she had a mom to fix her hair and wash her laundry. Instead she had a drunken dad that we all called “Pukey Pete” because on more than one occasion he was known to puke outside P & G’s and pass out in his parked truck. The grownups always talked in whispers about the Bigsby family. Seems Ruth’s mom, Gail Bigsby, had been kind of pretty and sweet. But one day she fell down the stairs of their apartment and broke her neck. Allegedly, it was an accident, but from the whispers of the adults it was clear no one really believed that.

            If you ask me, Ruth never really had a chance at making friends. Besides the obvious things like lack of hygiene and being poor and all, she just never seemed that bright. Any school day of the year you could see her squinting at her notebooks, her textbooks, or the blackboard, gnawing on the end of her pen like some kind of rabid skunk, her deep-set eyes filled with confusion while boys like Cliff Tally and Chris O’Dell made “Pee-U” sounds and farting noises in her direction. Once a pen even exploded all over her face and mouth, blackening her teeth and causing the whole class to laugh. Some kids snickered a little guiltily behind their hands while others, like Cliff and Chris and Jessica, laughed and pointed outright.

            In middle school, to add insult to injury, Ruth blew up to nearly two hundred sweaty, shuffling, wheezing pounds. Teasing turned into tormenting and when the petite, blonde, ferret-faced Jessica Gleason dubbed her “Big Ruth Bigsby” the name stuck and Ruth began to suffer in new ways. Walking down the hall behind her, boys would make pounding noises and pretend she was causing an earthquake. A flush would creep over her acne-spotted cheeks and she would hurry along faster, but that only increased the frenzy of their attacks. Occasionally, someone would stick out a foot and trip her, laughing hysterically with the crowd while she scrambled to collect her books and papers from the floor, her too-tight pants stretched over her huge butt.

            It was disgusting to watch and while pity was unavoidable, you also had to wonder why she couldn’t pull herself together. Fight back, try harder, and blend in-anything other than just letting people torture her. I could feel myself cringe on the inside whenever Ruth was in the midst of one of those attacks, yet on the outside I was laughing just like everyone else. If I didn’t, I risked becoming the victim of teasing myself. After all, I was hardly Miss Popularity. I balanced precariously on the ledge between THE QUIET GIRL and A NOBODY. In high school you’re basically either a part of the “In” crowd or you’re not, but some of us managed to waver somewhere in the middle. There was no way I was going to risk becoming an outcast by associating myself with a social deadweight like Big Ruth Bigsby. Sure, sometimes I felt guilty for not sticking up for her, especially since I knew better, but I consoled myself with the barely reassuring fact that I never actually teased her myself.

            All eighties movies and clichés aside, high school is war and you’re lucky if you make it through without blowing off a leg in a minefield. Anyone that says otherwise either doesn’t remember high school very well or was part of that elusive “In” crowd themselves. John Hughes always made it seem like the jocks and the geeks and the freaks could all bond over detention or make this huge stand and learn some valuable lesson about accepting others, but the truth is there’s no more dangerous predator for kids than the popular kid sitting next to them in math class, making their life a living hell. If I had stuck up for Ruth Bigsby just one time, she might still be alive, but more than likely she still would have been tortured and I would have been right there in the trenches with her. It wasn’t a risk I was willing to take, so instead I just went on laughing with the rest of them, doing my best to fit in.

            That particular Tuesday, the day Ruth decided enough was enough, most seniors were too focused on the warm weather, upcoming Prom, and our much-anticipated graduation to bother with Ruth. However, a shrewd observer might have noticed that spring was in the air for Ruth that day as well. Instead of her usual unkempt appearance, she was wearing a flowered skirt and purple top that almost made her look a little thinner. Her brown hair, usually greasy at the roots and frizzy everywhere else, was blow-dried and clean. Her skin, typically a mess of volcanic pimples and old acne scars, was covered in what appeared to be an attempt at makeup. She still wasn’t pretty, but that day Ruth had tried.

            It had to be at lunch, with most of the senior class lounging in the courtyard, that Jessica Gleason, bored and more than a little irritated at her on-again off-again boyfriend Chris O’Dell, noticed Ruth Bigsby sitting quietly on a picnic bench under a tree. She stared at her, her mean eyes forced into slits as she watched poor Ruth eating a burger and fries. She nudged her cronies Pam Edmond and Lisa Garris, who were preening next to her, and they all turned to stare. They always sat in the same place, like a queen on a throne with her ladies in waiting. Unfortunately, Ruth had picked a bench in a location where in order to get to the trash cans she had to lumber right by Jessica, Pam, and Lisa. As she finished her lunch, gathered her garbage, and shuffled shyly across the courtyard towards the cans, Jessica stood up and slinked towards her, throwing a wink back over her bony shoulder at Pam and Lisa. They giggled and watched with excited, sparkly eyes as Jessica slipped behind an unsuspecting Ruth, reached out and grasped the hem of her flowered skirt in her bright pink claws, and yanked down.

            There was dead silence save for Ruth’s gasp and the cackling laughter of Jessica and her friends. Everyone in the courtyard stared, frozen for just a few seconds in disbelief. Then, slowly but surely a wave of laughter, hoots, and hollers swept over the crowd. It was almost impossible not to laugh, even if you were just laughing out of nervousness. Most of us had been laughing at Ruth so long, we didn’t even think about it anymore. As she clutched at her skirt and tried to pull it up while stumbling towards the parking lot, she tripped and fell, which caused the crowd to laugh even harder. She looked like a beached whale, floundering towards an ocean that was just out of reach. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, as Jessica Gleason pointed and laughed harder and longer than anyone else, Ruth managed to pull herself to her feet and make it out of the courtyard and onto the road, where she made off in the direction of downtown.

            I’m guessing there’s a moment in everyone’s life where they have a chance to do the right thing in a really bad situation and if they fail to do so they’ll be forced to stare at that guilt in the mirror every morning for the rest of their life. Yah, I know, forgiveness is divine and all that, but in that moment I felt like I should get up and do something and I didn’t. What exactly I could have done I’m not sure-go after her, yell at my classmates to leave her alone, anything to show that I hadn’t completely sold my soul to the devil. But I did nothing. I sat there, frozen to the bench, watching Ruth run off and somehow knowing that this time we had crossed the line and nothing would ever really be okay for Ruth Bigsby ever again.

            It’s only about three blocks from the school to the library, but I can picture now how long that journey must have seemed to Ruth. Sweating, crying, fighting for breath, she must have thought she’d never make it. Surely she was thirstier than she had ever been. Did she think about what she was going to do or did her feet take on a mind of their own and carry her to that rooftop? Didn’t any adults, a kind elderly woman or a mother or father running errands or jogging, stop her to ask what was wrong? Of course not. Teachers had seen what was going on for years and never intervened.

            Ruth Bigsby made it to that rooftop and jumped off just seventeen minutes after Jessica Gleason exposed her in front of most of our class. No one will ever know if she stopped short once she reached the edge and thought it through or if she just ran across the black tar roof and threw herself into the air. They’re calling it a suicide, those reporters, but it seems more like murder to me. We all walked her to the edge, year after year, insult after insult, but it was Jessica who gave the final push as she teetered on the brink. Somebody, anybody, could have reached out to grab her before it was too late, but nobody did. That’s a guilt that’s real hard to get rid of, no matter how you spin it.

Standing by Instead of Sticking Up.

In my previous blog post I stated that I had never been bullied or bullied anyone myself. However, there were many times when I witnessed bullying and did nothing to stop it, even though I knew it was wrong. Now granted, for those intent on bullying, I probably would not have been able to pull an after-school-special moment and change them into a nice person. But maybe it would have made a difference to the person who's adolescence was marked with teasing and tormenting to know that somebody was on their side. If I knew that bullying was wrong, and I just stood by and watched it happen without saying anything, wasn't I just a little bit guilty?
Not too long ago there was a horrific story in the media about a girl who was degraded, beaten, and gang raped outside a school dance. Allegedly, dozens of students stood by and watched without stepping in to help. While some little monsters cheered on the attacks, many others reported being horrified. Why then did nobody call for help? Why didn't the many teens in the crowd who knew it was wrong put a stop to it? There is a theory that people in situations like that don't go for help because they assume others already have. But while the level of violence in that situation is much greater, every day while thousands of kids are being bullied, fellow students and teachers stand aside and do nothing.
In fact, some of my greatest regrets are because when I was in high school and I saw kids being bullied, I did nothing. I didn't want to be picked on myself. I wanted to fit in and I was easily intimidated and afraid of confrontation. But I can remember being so angry watching the abuse, that tears would come to my eyes. If I could, I would apologize today to every kid that I didn't stick up for. And for the people out there who do, you truly are a special kind of hero.
Of all the bullying that goes on out there, I suspect that only a small fraction of the people involved are true bullies. I think the greater number of people either just get in line and do what those around them do or they just put their heads down and ignore it. But how can we expect bullying to stop if we pretend it doesn't happen?
Perhaps, and this is just a theory, one way to start changing things is to educate kids on how to stick up for others when they see something going on that they know is wrong. Maybe it's about teaching kids to do the right thing, even when it's not the popular thing.

Understanding Bullying.

My co-host Mike & I both feel very strongly about the issue of bullying. We've both known people who were severely bullied and we've seen how much it can hurt someone to feel as though they don't belong. It seems that with as much awareness as there is about bullying, the situation would be getting better, but every day there's something in the news about kids being bullied. I've read multiple articles about kids who were bullied so badly that they eventually took their own lives. Clearly, something needs to be done.
Whenever we prepare for a new episode, we do a lot of research on the topic. While many of our topics are fun and lighthearted, occasionally we have the opportunity to address an issue of greater importance that we hope can have an impact and make a difference. How unfortunate that everyday children in this country go home from school in tears because they are bullied. How unfortunate that people sit by and watch as kids are bullied, and they don't do anything about it. Parents, teachers, other students...why don't they speak up? As we go through the next week & a half, learning all we can about bullying, we hope to understand a little more about why it happens, what can be done to stop it, and how it affects those involved.
I was never bullied. I also never bullied anyone. But there were times when I saw it going on and did nothing to stop it. Luckily, to the best of my knowledge, those kids that I saw bullied made it through school without committing suicide or turning to other acts of violence. However, I've often wondered about how they are now. With so many bad memories of their years in school, are they unhappy? Did it injure their self-esteem in the long run? What would they say to those who bullied them if they had the chance to confront them now. And on the flip side, how about some of those people who bullied others and who grew and changed...what would they say to their victims if they had a chance to make amends?
There is much to think about, but here is an article to get us started. In order to solve the issue of bullying, we need to start by understanding it.
http://www.empoweringparents.com/The-Truth-About-Bullies.php#

Thank you Hollywood...

"Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze." We've learned a lot about romance these past two weeks. What it means to people, how it varies, when it’s lacking…one thing I’ve realized is, in one way or another romance is ingrained in us from the time we’re born. It’s in our books, our music, and our movies. The very first stories we learn, fairy tales, often revolve around the central theme of romance. We are made to believe that love is romance or vise versa and when we grow older and our relationships are not full of romance, we often feel as though something is lacking. Nevermind security and support, loyalty and honesty…we want romance. We want the scene in Sixteen Candles where Jake Ryan is waiting for Samantha outside the church. We want Noah on a dock in the rain telling Allie he wrote her a letter every single day for years. We want meetings on the top of the Empire State Building, someone stopping traffic for us, chasing after us, and standing outside our window holding up a boom box...and when real life isn't like that, we often feel disappointed. Now I get that not every moment can be that way, but can some? Is there a happy middle ground when it comes to romance? How do you find the balance in love between living in a John Hughes movie and turning into something as bland as an episode of Leave it to Beaver? And are we so brainwashed by Hollywood that we've lost site of what true romance really is? 

Tune in tonight as we share what we've learned about romance...maybe we'll all walk away feeling just a little bit inspired and romantic.

Stealing romance tips from a random internet site- BAD IDEA
Stealing romance quotes because you cant think of something to blog about- HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!

Enjoy!

 Humorous and Funny Love Quotes

http://www.romancestuck.com/quotes/humorous-quotes.htm

A collection of humorous and funny love quotes.

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you're not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.

-- Adrienne Gusoff

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

-- Agatha Christie

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed.

-- Albert Einstein

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.

-- Albert Einstein

Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

-- Anonymous

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

-- Anonymous

The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes."

-- Anonymous

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.

-- Anonymous

Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way.

-- Anonymous

When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires.

-- Anonymous

Men only have two faults....What they do, and what they say!

-- Anonymous

You can't buy love on eBay.

-- Anonymous

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

-- Bette Midler

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.

-- Brendan Francis

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.

-- Cathy Carlyle

Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter.

-- Cecilia Egan

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then marry him.

-- Cher

Men aren't necessities, they're luxuries.

-- Cher

By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying -
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.

-- Dorothy Parker

I'm always looking for meaningful one night stands.

-- Dudley Moore

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

-- Erma Bombeck

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

-- Fran Lebowitz

It is impossible to love and be wise.

-- Francis Bacon

Marriage marks the end of many short follies - being one long stupidity.

-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery.

-- Fulton J. Sheen

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

-- George Carlin

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.

-- Glenn Beck

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.

-- Groucho Marx

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

-- Helen Rowland

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

-- Henry Kissinger

When we got married I told my wife "If you leave me, I'm going with you.
And she never did.

-- James Fineous McBride

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

-- Jean Kerr

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.

-- Joan Crawford

It's been so long since I made love,
I can't even remember who gets tied up.

-- Joan Rivers

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

-- Joan Rivers

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.

-- Jonathan Carroll

Just In Case You Were Wondering...

So a couple months ago my partner's brother's new fiance got invited to attend a conference in San Francisco and asked if my partner and I could watch their 3 kids.  Sure enough I was just about to ask her if she could watch my 100 pound Golden Retriever and tiny shitzu-maltese barking nightmare while Matt and I went out of town to Ocean City, sooo, I had to accept her request.  She warned me that in all fairness the three kid's schedules were something of a matrix.  For example, on Wednesdays Lilly gets out of school at 3:15 but has to be at softball practice by 3:30, meanwhile the younger duo,Garyian and Maddie,  get out of school at 3:45, and Garyeon has to be at football practice by 4:00, but not without getting him a little snicky snack so he doesnt pass out like Lindsay Lohan after a long night of partying drinking "red bull"...Fortunately after we scuttle Garyun off to American football practice we do not have to have Maddy to her practice until 4:30.  However we do have to pick up Lilly at 4:45 so that we can transport her to CCD, which I am led to believe is a Christian Children Discussion group or something...needless to say I do NOT want her to be late to that.  I may in fact try and find a nun named GIDGET and hope she has flying powers just in case I am running late and need to summon her to my rescue.  Fortunately after we get her to CCD we have a few moments to catch our breath, drive thru Starbucks and get a double mocha espresso.  The line better not be long.  Then, we pick Maddie up from practice and get her to CCD at 5:30, and then leave CCD to get Gary-yen from football and then head back to pick up Lilly from CCD by 6.  I don't think Maddies group ends their discussion until 7:30, which to me seems like a long time for 10 year olds to sit and discuss, but I'm assuming they get a lot done!

The reason I mention all of this is because I am currently in PA partaking in said adventure and thus have little time to writ, oh crap I'm down one kid, i gotta go!

Can We Overdose On Romance?

We already explored the idea that romance is subjective, and I guess whether or not you agree with that statement or not is in itself subjective...However, today I was wondering if one can ever overdose on romance.  Think about it, whatever "romance" means to you, it is something that gives us a warm and gushy feeling inside, like a box full of kittens.  But can you ever have too much of a good thing?  I love, and I mean LOVE, cheese!  In fact, just the other day I had one of my favorite meals, a grilled cheese sandwich.  It not only hit the spot, but made be so thankful that I had two pieces of bread and 2 slices of American kraft Singles in my life.  I loved it so much that I decided to be bold and make it a double feature and make grilled cheese for dinner too.  I even flirted with the idea of waking up extra early and firing up my griddle to make it again for breakfast.  I didnt.  You wanna know why, because after a while if you have the same thing ovfer and over and over, back to back to back, it loses it's luster!  If you don't believe me try eating the same thing for every meal for a mont, heck even a week.  Or, try watching the same movie every single night for a week straight.  Sometimes we just need space between the sweet indulgences in our life.  For those that know me you are probablly rolling your eyes thinking "does he have a point or is this yet ANOTHER excuse to ramble on about cheese" to which I respond...maybe a little...but no, I do have a point.  My point is, can someone be too romantic?  Let's say that you are the type of person who finds romance in the simple things someone does, like take out the trash, or write you a love poem.  If someone writes you a poem, every day, or is always taking out the trash, will you always think that your loved one is being "romantic" or does it just become second nature?  And if so, does that mean that romance is the act of filling a void in your loved ones life?  Was the first time your boo took out the trash "romantic" because you were the one who constantly was burdended with that responsibilty and when they finally took the effort to pitch in and show you that they care, was it romantic because that void was filled?  What if you were in a relationship with someone who very rarely verbally expressed how much they loved you or cared for you.  Then out of the blue they hand you a hand written poem that expressed their feelings in ways they verbally could not.  That might be the romance you were looking for but weren't hearing.  Well, if they wrote you a poem every single day would it still feel as romantic as the first couple times or would you think "aww this is sweet, but a) I know that I am 'your pumpin pie that you cannot lie that when Im not there you wanna cry' so you do not have to tell me that every day...and b) spell check is also romantic".  Can we overdose on romance?  Again, I know this is a subjective thought but please SUBJECT me with your thoughts?!?!

"Why Men Are More Romantic Than Women" by Dr. Terri Orbuch

Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman battle out their romantic differences in a scene from

(Below is a great article about men, women and romance! Don't forget to take the quiz at the end to test how romantic you are)
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/why-men-are-more-romantic-than-women-2439559

In a scene from the new movie, "No Strings Attached," a young woman chastises a man for breaking their no-romance code by showing up at her work with a balloon. Uncontrollable urges of chivalry? Sounds like a romantic comedy myth, but it's not. 
“Men are typically more romantic than women,” says Dr. Terri Orbuch, a social psychologist who has spent the last 24 years studying 373 married couples. In interviewing spouses, she discovered husbands were more likely to describe their wives in traditional romantic terms, while wives spoke more practically about their relationships. “When we asked married men to talk about how they met their wives, their stories had more romantic flavor,” explains Orbuch, who details her findings in the book 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great. “They talk about being smitten, falling hard; they also use terms like 'soul-mate' and 'love at first sight'," she says. "In contrast, wives talked about being very cautious of their partner when they first got together and guarding themselves from getting too close early on."
While romantic gestures may vary between couples, Orbuch's research suggests that men are more likely to uphold fairy tale beliefs (i.e. happily ever after) than women.  Her research is virtually identical to the results of a survey of 21,000 men and women by the psychological testing site Queendom. In response to questions on love, men were slightly more romantic in their description, using expressions women avoided, like "destiny" and "love conquers all". "Most men have an unappreciated romantic streak," said study leader Ilona Jerabek, PhD, in a statement. "You just need to understand where they are coming from to appreciate it."
Where they’re coming from is another culture. In the guy code, compliments are harder to come by and conversations about deep emotions aren’t as widely accepted. “Men don’t get the same amount of affirmations as women from their friends and family,” explains Orbuch. “They rely on the positive feedback they get in their relationship for their overall mental well-being.” One study by a Wake Forest Psychology professor even suggested men feel physically better when they're in a relationship. That may explain why men may embrace their partners as soul-mates—they satisfy a unique emotional and physical need that's harder for them to come by.
Another theory is that men are more prone to love at first site and falling fast because their brains are hard-wired to have stronger reactions to certain visual cues. In MRI scans, women showed less activation than men in the area of the brain that controls emotions when shown the same visual cues. In other words, when women see something they like, they proceed with more caution. In love song terms, if men are singing James Brown's "I Feel Good," women are singing Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know?"
But if men are so romantic, how come they've gotten such a bum rap?  It may all boil down to a misunderstanding. “Women relate to words, so they want to hear men say how they feel over and over,” says Orbuch.  “Men relate to behaviors, so they're more likely to show their feelings through actions. In the end, there’s a mismatch between the two.” To remedy this, Orbuch suggests couples come to an understanding about their own gender limitations and needs. Women may say 'I love you,' but men may express those three words with simple actions like filling the car up with gas or driving out of their way to pick a woman up. Reading between the lines can simmer arguments or feelings of neglect.
Of course, not all men, or relationships, are alike. "It's important to know what your personal romantic needs are," says Orbuch. Her six-question self-assessment test is a good starting place to measure your own RQ, or romantic quotient.
Question 1: True / False -- I believe in love at first sight.

Question 2: True / False -- I fall in love easily, and when I do, I fall hard.

Question 3: True / False -- I believe there is a perfect soul-mate out there somewhere for me.

Question 4: True / False -- If I don't have passionate feelings for someone right away, chances are s/he's not "the one."

Question 5: True / False -- No matter what challenges life presents, love can conquer all.

Question 6: True / False -- When you're truly in love, passion never fades; it can last forever.
Now, count up the number of "true" answers.
Scoring:
1-2: You're a realist. You are probably more interested in a partner who can take a toaster apart or get along with your eccentric parents than one who makes passes at you in public.
3-4: You're a secret dreamer. You may harbor secret fantasies about love and romance, but you're still firmly attached to the idea that a partner is, above all else, a source of security and your anchor in life.
5-6: You're a total romantic. You can list the best on-screen kisses of all time—because you've watched them over and over! You envision you and your partner madly in love at 90 and still whispering sweet nothings in each other's ears.
 *Test excerpted from "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great," by Dr. Terri Orbuch.

Romance is Subjective.

As a waitress, one of the most common things I get asked is whether or not an item is spicy. This is also a question I find very difficult to answer. That's because what one person finds spicy, another might find mild or even bland. I can't tell you how many times a guest has glared accusingly at me after taking a bite of a child's Kraft Mac N Cheese and hissed "You said it wasn't spicy!" It's so subjective...
That's how I feel about romance. What might make one person swoon might make me gag. Romance is subjective. Public proposals, messages written in the sky over the spring breakers at the Jersey Shore, and other such grand gestures are exactly what some people not only want but need in order to feel appreciated and loved. Whereas for me, the true romance is in the small gestures and the attention to detail.
My very first experience with romance was in the 7th grade at the sleep away camp I was lucky enough to spend three consecutive summers at. Alex Rodriguez (our lawyers have instructed me to admit he is no relation to the current mega-baseball star of the same name) was the cutest boy at camp, desired by all the 6th and 7th grade girls. Even the 8th grade girls thought he was hot. He was my camp boyfriend and I melted every time his chocolate brown eyes met mine. On the last night at camp, we slow danced to End of the Road by Boyz II Men. As he held me in his arms, he gazed into my eyes and sang along softy to the profound lyrics, convincing me in that one magical moment that our love would only grow stronger after we said goodbye.
Never mind that our long-distance relationship lasted mere weeks after camp ended. To this day, I still melt whenever I hear that song or listen as a guy croons softly along with the radio. Maybe that simple moment set me up for life with the idea that romance is less about the grand gestures and more about the boy you like looking at you like you're the only girl at camp...er, in the world. Or maybe it was watching my parents slow dance to Frank Sinatra in the kitchen while making dinner, spaghetti sauce bubbling away on the stove and me watching from the table where I worked on homework, thinking "Now that's what I want".
What about you? Do you need the bling, the dazzle, the show stoppers...or is romance for you something else entirely?

Romancing On A Budget

With the state of the current economy, times are certainly tough for many of us.  It goes without saying that with less money, or more uncertainty of whether or not you will have a job, many are being more frugal when it comes to expenditures.  However, we cannot let the economy set us back romantically, after all, there is safety in numbers so don't let your loved one slip away because you don't want to spend that little extra on romance.  If we did a poll on what people think is the most romantic thing they have ever experienced (or wish to experience) I am sure we will be flooded with a variety of answers.  I even bet that most of them will not involve a hefty price tag but rather something that was very thought provoking and from the heart.  Please share with us some of the ways someone can be romantic on a budget so that those who want to keep the spark alive in their relationship but do not want to necessarily become homeless in the process can woo their boo.
Here are some inexpensive yet romantic ideas we have come up with:

1.  Romantic Picnic-  For many of us, the Fall is the perfect climate to spend a nice romantic day outdoors with that special someone.  Why not surprise them by blind folding them and whisking them away to your areas most scenic spot.  Pack a blanket, some of their favorite food and beverage, and be sure to include a romantic mix of their favorite songs on your Ipod.  Now if it were me, I would be happy with a little variety of cheese (if you have a Wegmans nearby pick up their cheese flights which come with 3 different gourmet cheeses, crackers and dried fruit, and it is only $7...if you do not have a Wegmans nearby, consider moving)  I would then pair that cheese with a nice bottle of red wine.  Keep in mind that you do not have to spend a ton of money on the wine.  Now, don't get me wrong you do not necessarily want to aim for the cheapest...Ask the wine clerk which bottle of wine would best suit the cheese you have selected and share with him what your price range is.  It is more thoughtful to spend the time on the details rather than spending a ton of money without any effort. As you are pleasing your palate, be sure to back up the intimate moment by expressing from the heart how you feel about them, and what it is that makes them the only person who can make spending a quiet and simple afternoon into an unforgettably romantic day.  If all goes well, you might be using that blind fold later on too ;-)

2.  Candles and Massage:  Who doesn't enjoy a candlelit setting and or a nice relaxing massage.  When you put the two together you have an inexpensive yet EXPLOSIVE combination for some hot passionate romance!  If you go to an IKEA you can get a bag of 100 tealight candles for like $5.  Spread them around your bedroom (obviously not near anything flammable or that will catch on fire easily, that is not the type of fire we are aiming for here).  Put on some romantic music by customizing a mix on your ipod/computer.  Preferably burn it to a CD, that way you can give it to them so they can always remember the night!  When they come home have a nice soothing drink ready for them, something that will really relax them, like hot green tea, or possibly a Long Island Iced Tea, whatever they fancy.  Tell them why it is you are lucky to have them in your life and because of that you want to treat them to a nice evening of relaxation.  Blind fold them and guide them to the bedroom (or wherever you plan on massaging them).  I do not want you to think I am obsessed with blind folds or mix cd's (although I kinda am) but the reason I suggest the blind fold in this situation is to enhance the sensation of touch and sound, and leave sight out of it.  It will allow them to focus on the massage and the soothing music that much more.   Be sure to get some aromatic massage oil, which you can pick up even at Walmart for under $10.  Do not be stingy on the time you massage them, you should spoil them with at least 30 minutes, longer if possible.  I guarantee this simple and affordable romantic evening will conclude with a happy ending!

What does romance look like today?!

Ok, so as aforementioned our next show is all about romance, cue the Boys to Men soundtrack...Since both Cassandra and I have been in relationships for over 7 heterosexual years, neither one of us is qualified to talk about romance (ba da ba da da da da...yeah!)  so I decided to put my Diane Sawyer hat on and gear up for some hard journalism skills.  Therefore I am turning to sitcoms and reality TV to see what romance looks like in 2011.

It would be absolutely criminal if I did not begin with first ladies of reality TV and focus on the Real Housewives.  I instinctively would start with the RHO Orange County since they started it all, but due to the fact that all of the woman on the show are pretty much divorced (and or dating closeted homosexuals)  I am going to skip that coast and jet off to New York.  First stop is Brooklyn where we will consider Alex and Simon.  Ok, so I think we can all agree Simon might not necessarily be what we call in the free world "straight" but he definitely loves to show his affection for Alex (and her clothes) to the public.  I don't think there is a season that goes by that I am not forced to hunker down with a glass of Pinot Grigio in one hand and a barf bag in the next, hoping and praying they stop their awkward advances towards one another.  In one episode this season Simon "wooo'ed" Alex upon her return from Morocco by romancing her with some naught undies, which of course he insisted she try on before the cameras left for the day (and possibly considered a different profession).  Is this Australian Homo on to something...usually we see acts of romance in the form of flowers, and jewelry, or candle lit dinner for 2, but what about sparking the romance by dressing your loved one in a dominatrix outfit and ball gag...what better way to say, "hey, I not only love you but I want to dress you up like a filthy whore"....hmmm, I dunno.....

Well, another character on the show who is in love with letting the world know how much in love she and her lovely husband are, is none other than the Queen of Pinot, Romano Singer.  Unlike Simon Romona's husband Mario, is definitely straight, and if you have any doubts check out the episode when the girls were in Morocco, and Mario and lady fingers (aka Simon) were at a pool hall and Mario's eyes were glued to some girl's ass.  But it is undeniable that they are truly in love and keep the romance alive (or so they would like us to believe at least).  Romona often surprises Mario with an intimate rendezvous in their living room where she showers him with champagne and massages.  Romona also romantically asked Mario to renew their vows in front of their family, friends, and camera crew.  Now, I am not a huge fan of PDA, especially when you are out to dinner with a couple and they can barely keep their tongues out of each others mouths when all you want to do is discuss the season finale of Weeds and whether or not Nancy was just offed...no I in fact am not a fan of PDA, however, in the case of Romona and Mario's PDA aka renewal of vows, it was kinda sweet.  After 18+ years they still wanted to confirm their committment in front of the whole world...that type of PDA is in fact romantic...although some might argue its just Romonic!

Last night was REALLY fun

We had so much fun doing our show last night on Reality TV.  We literally could have talked for hours, and even with our 15 minute after hours show, we still ran out of time.  Part of that had to do with our amazing Oklahoma guest caller who provided some great inside scoup on the Dugger family, from 19 Kids and Counting.  She apparantly grew up with them and shares some fun stories around the 20 minute mark, so if you missed it you HAVE to listen!  It was kind of refreshing hearing about how the Duggars are exactly what they are like on the show in "real" life.  It seems so many reality stars put up a facade and with each new season you see a whole new side of the reality stars.  Then you have the families like the Kardashians who just seem like they are so scripted that they are trying to force a certain image down our throats that just lead you to believe each scene takes at least 3 cuts! 

Anyways, we are starting to brainstorm for our next show which is all about romance!  If you would like to be a guest on the show or have any input you would like for us to share please email us at SorryWeArePerfect@gmail.com.  Also, if you have any questions or concerns that you just know Dear Abby cannot explain, please email us and we will be sure to include on our next show.

Scripted Reality.

As flu season is upon us, I can't help thinking about all the real aspects of life you never actually see on reality TV. You know what I'm talking about...the bouts of diarrhea, the sickness, and the bored days when you eat way too many tacos and sit in front of the TV for 11 straight hours unable to button your pants (probably watching a reality TV marathon...). I want to see the midnight runs for tampons, the uncomfortable misunderstandings, and the moments when people realize their birth control has failed. For some of the shows that haven't been around as long, you definitely get the feeling that what you're seeing is pretty real. You see the drunken meltdowns, the embarrassing one-nighters, and in the case of the Jersey Shore, a whole lot of peek-a-choo. But for bigger shows, like the Real Housewives and the aforementioned Kardashians, it seems like what you're getting is whatever the contracts for the cast say can be aired. Everyone is in wardrobe and makeup regularly and while some disputes are shown, you're usually just getting a run-down after the fact. I like my reality TV real. I'm just gonna put it out there. The reason I have followed shows like The Real World and The Jersey Shore for so long is because you never know what's going to happen. Good, bad, ugly, and everything in between, I like that I can feel better about some of my worst moments after watching those shows. For some reason, when I watch the Kardashians, I just end up feeling irritated. I feel cheated. I want to see what that family is really like when they aren't following a script. So here's what I think...pick which type of show you really are. You're either a sitcom or a reality show. You either follow a script...or you don't. Either you're an actor...or you're a real person putting it all out there for the world to watch, mock, and judge. I don't know about you, but I want my reality TV the way it was intended...REAL.

Hey Kardashians, I Think We Are Kaught Up!

Dear Reality TV Producers,
First of all, I would like to thank you for providing endless hours of entertainment in the form of shows you call "reality" tv.  I am, and always will be a loyal fan who is bound to the edge of my seat in anticipation of what you will come up with next!  But, before that happens there is something that I would appreciate you taking care of before we let the excitement roll on.

I understand that the Kardashian Klan are one of the most popular Reality Tv franchise's out there, but could you please refrain from producing any more spin offs!  The nice thing about TV is that even though by the end of the season you wish the show could go on forever, there is a need to have a little break from our guilty pleasures.  Yes, it is true that at the end of almost every season of the Real Housewives of (ANYWHERE)  I am left like a hysterical girly boy who's been recently dumped, begging the ladies for just one more episode.  And sure, maybe it takes a couple weeks and a Saturday afternoon marathon for me to calm down, but it always works out, I know they will be back in just over 9 months.  In the meantime I am able to pick up the pieces of my life and get involved with some other healthy extra curricular activities, like Yoga, and The Jersey Shore...  But oh no!  Not with the Kardashians, once the main show, Keeping Up with The Kardashians is over, you instantly air some Sable-Headed Step Sister Spin off!  I don't care that Khloe and Kourtey are in Miami, or that Kim and Kourtney have decided to annoy NYC...and so help me god if you make a Rob and Scott take over Dallas I don't think that is something I will be able to EVER recover from.  Oh and you cant forget the other spin off brought to us by the manish looking Kardashian and her BBall husband showcasing that even though they are married she still has an inappropriate relationship with her siblings (seriously Khloe you're not supposed to shave your sister's "reality clip")  Speaking of marriage...please stop airing your obnoxious Kardashian wedding spectacles and more so advertising for it 3 months in advance.  Congratulations Kim on getting paid 18 million dollars to marry that DOUCHE, but who cares! It's one thing Kim to make your sex life public through your Emmy winning sex tapes, but maybe you should keep some part of your life private, such as your nuptials to Chris!    ...so from now on since I feel like I am more than sufficiently caught up with the Kardashians, if you do not mind I would like to Keep a Distance from the Kardashians...for at least 9 months....

2.